Multiple Homicide Cake Is Everyone’s Right

For Valentine’s Day, Kansas lawmakers decided candy hearts weren’t enough, so they’re pushing for a whopping big anti-gay bill instead:

Any government employee is given explicit permission to discriminate against gay couples—not just county clerks and DMV employees, but literally anyone who works for the state of Kansas. If a gay couple calls the police, an officer may refuse to help them if interacting with a gay couple violates his religious principles. State hospitals can turn away gay couples at the door and deny them treatment with impunity. Gay couples can be banned from public parks, public pools, anything that operates under the aegis of the Kansas state government.

They’re protecting our sacred religious rights, you see. Helping to maintain Important Community Values. In Kansas, apparently, the most egregious threat to life itself is The Gay. I mean, I assume that, since this law does nothing to give religious folks the right to refuse services to, for example, convicted felons. Because, look, murder and rape are no reason to judge a person. They’re certainly not nearly as dangerous to society as two men kissing!

“Congratulations on your parole after serial rape” cake? Awesome sauce. “Congratulations on entering a mutually consensual, loving relationship” cake? Oh my god stop this before they assault the capital!

It’s sweet, really, the way Kansas lawmakers are working so hard to uphold solid community values and keep us all safe.

You know, I may be jumping to conclusions here, though. After all, looking at the wording in the official bill, we find it covers the “sincerely held religious beliefs of the individual or religious entity regarding sex or gender” in regards to doing any of the following:

[…]provide employment or employment benefits, related to, or related to the celebration of, any marriage, domestic partnership, civil union or similar arrangement;
(b) solemnize any marriage, domestic partnership, civil union or similar arrangement; or
(c) treat any marriage, domestic partnership, civil union or similar arrangement as valid.

Man, you know, I don’t know why I was worried. This is totally a religious freedom issue, and Kansas is ready to take a bold stand.

So, when I decide to declare myself a Shaker, I won’t have to serve anyone with a wedding ring, or whom I suspect might be in a sexual relationship. My business will have so much more money, since I also won’t have to provide spousal benefits to any employees, because my religion is against all marriages!

Oh, and if I join a fundamentalist order of some other religions, I don’t even have to provide services to women, since my strongly held religious beliefs tell me that women shouldn’t be out in public interacting with men in the first place. Damn, Kansas, when you take a stand for religion, you go hard core.

What? It says any sincere religious belief regarding “sex and gender,” doesn’t it? You don’t want to trample on my hard-won religious freedoms in those areas, do you?

You know what, I don’t care if you haters do, because Kansas has my back.

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